This song below is about "being green." And this post is a thank you to those who love me anyway. Remember the song from Sesame Street when we were kids? "It's not easy being green"? When I heard it as a kid, I learned being different was Ok. Thank goodness I learned that early. Because, turns out, I would grow greener with age. Ha. And everybody in school would notice. Which at the time, I thought was a bad thing. Who knew people would love me anyway once I grew up?
This post isn't about that entirely. This post is a thank you to those who love my greenness then and still do. This post is a big thanks to those family and friends who helped me survive this past year. I had a very tough time this last year. Health problems, surgeries, slips in my recovery from drinking, and a couple (unnecessary and embarrassing) romantic disappointments. Health issues of family members worried me a good deal, too. I've survived one insane, abusive neighbor. I lost a child in need who'd befriended me when he was (appropriately) taken by CPS for his betterment, to a place with food, water, and electricity. It was a good development in his sad life, but broke my heart to see him go. I still can't look at fruit cups or string cheese without tearing up. I also lost my precious Nosy, my beautiful rescue street cat, who sat on my lap and purred through every inch of pain.
Fuck 2016, for the most part. Plus, it got Prince. What the hell.
This is even for my very new friends who would talk to me briefly, often late at night. You didn't know anything was even wrong. But your conversation about your new shoes, you grandmother or your jokes, those helped me sleep that night, or make that doctor's appointment in the morning (after I'd lost my will to keep trying to get better). You helped me show up the next day for another painful procedure. And most of you didn't even know I was in Hell.
This list of who helped and how is endless. And endless. (and also, endless) This thank you is for all those who helped me survive through ways big and small, phone calls, texts, brief visits, for all the people who randomly checked on me, and for those who consistently invited me places they KNEW I'd cancel going (but invited me anyway because they knew it felt good to be invited), for those who listened to me cry, those who constantly said they love me, those who asked "what the doctor say today?" (after the 50th doctor), those who sat beside me saying nothing when I just needed another presence in the room, those who helped me fetch things I needed to feel better (the phone, water, heating pads, blankets, the TV remote, Jell-O)
This is for all of you. And who thought I would have anyone who would care at all? Me being "green" and all that? That's the most amazing part, people loved and love me, enough to hold me up every now and then in the best way they know how, even if just a small way. I'm grateful for it all now. When, honestly, before, the alone feelings almost engulfed me. But now, I realize I wasn't alone. It was just the illness that made me feel that way. I had people.
Some crappy things went down very recently, too. But I've had some support. (Again) Today, I'm thinking about all my family & friends who love me for my separateness, my unique, my eccentric, who love me FOR (not despite) my weird, my clumsy, my sometimes oversensitive, my intense, my sometimes awkward, my hyper, my often inconveniently spontaneous invites to things 2 hours away or things happening RIGHT THEN (ha), my big, loud laugh, all my differentness.
I ain't got many friends I see or hear from often, but the ones I got love me for my being GREEN. And I know my family has always got my back and accept me for who I am. For example, my friends and family don't mind my unapologetic use of Appalachian dialect straight out of southern West Virginia (in writing and speech) even though I have two graduate degrees in English and writing.
Here's to spring, exciting beginnings, rebirth, growing things in the dirt and in the heart, bravely! Here's to sun, long days, warm nights, hooting owls, and wild singing crickets, and more crickets, and green, green frogs calling to each other (and us?) just outside our doors. I love y'all to the summer moon and back. I can't wait to see what becomes of my new friendships and who will come to love me for my green-ness in the coming year and who I will embrace in return for theirs, too. Happy spring, friends! 🌈🌞
Even after all this darkness, today, maybe not tomorrow, but today I am as grateful as a frog in spring. And I am loved even though I am my own odd shade of GREEN.
Peace & Blessings,
I won't name my specific friends and family because you already know who you are. Thank you from the bottom of my green heart.